Little me!!
Well, this simply is me when I was a child. It's ok, not that bad. hehe
As I said before, I wish I can reveal the old memories of the old days and all. I mean life is quite ok from time to time, so I don't have to be so dramatic.
Anyways, I was just tagged by farah, which would be the only reason for me to show this picture in here. (wouldn't have done it unless forced :)) Sorry for the bad quality, not a professional in capturing or whatever it is at all.
See you in the next post.

A pleasant dream
Imagine these two persons..just any two persons, a guy and a girl. Both of them have this feeling for each other. Each one of them keeps this feeling inside and doesn't share it with anyone else, not with each other.
She just can't imagine that this guy considers her existence in the first place, though they talk from time to time.They talk about everything but not themselves. She thinks she's not his type, but she wishes she was.She wishes she would get the chance to join his thoughts for a single second. Nevertheless she has never dared talk to him about it, never dared to even think about doing so. He also has such feelings: He's too shy to admit he cares for her, though he can't help thinking of her and revealing each and every single talk they had. Whenever he sees her, he just keeps it short to avoid showing the blood rushing into his face and filling him with embarrassment. Then he just can't help looking back at her after she turns around to go her own way.
Was just a pleasant thought I had. Sorry for not completing it, but I think it looks better this way: a scene coming up to my mind and drifting away.
Why I am out of this 'gloomy-thoughts' phase is that I have nearly finished my exams, only one to go. I just wanted to get some rest from the stress and all. Wanted to have free thoughts and express some happy, wandering imaginations.

Being a loser(What can I do??)
Ever felt you don't know who to listen to? People? Friends? Parents? Yourself?
What if you wanted to choose to listen to yourself and decided you're the right one? What if you were furthermore convinced of your opinion and perspective? What if you just can't go on with what you're convinced is right because it's just either not realistic anymore or not practical??What if you feel yourself falling in some delusion and not able to get out of it? What if this delusion is exactly the sort of distraction you wanted to prevent?
They say this stupid teenage phase is the part where you have to build up your personality, which influences your future life. What if you are too weak to do so? Are you lost then? What if you feel everyone around are knowing what they're doing and that they're on the right track, whereas you're left amongst all your questions? What if it is time out for you to change or help yourself, because you just can't or won't or whatever? What if at some point you just can't help falling apart because you never thought you'll be a loser one day? What if you want to change but haven't got what it takes or don't asln know what it takes??
What if deep inside you you know you're right, but that simply doesn't match with what's happening to you? What if people around you are either not getting what you say or blaming you for what you do??
What if all this happened? What are you supposed to react? Please don't tell me the usual stuff about having faith in yourself, because faith isn't always what you lack.
Sorry for being upset, but it's not my fault. Maybe it is. I just felt this way and wanted to share it.

Wash your worries away!
I had a tough week and I'm glad the weekend is here once again..time to rest and have some fun away from stress.
Well, DJ, I want to thank you a lot for your care and support, means a lot to me, because I needed it. About the testings and stuff, it didn't change that much, I just hope the last ones will be better.
But, at the end, what counts are the good moments, so I gotta start focusing on the bright side, and only the bright side.
Don't know what to add else than being tired, exhausted and happy for the long-awaited weekend.
It's so strange, because throughout the weekend I had so much in mind and wanted to talk about many things, and then now I'm here and out of all these things I was so excited to write on. I so much miss the vacation, where I could do whatever I want whenever i wanted to do it. Even reading, I could read everything I wanted and write about anything, but now I'm forced to do certain things and prevent myself from others. That's life..
I have to go anyways, just stopping by for a change. But I think it's high time to stand up and go to sleep because my mom is sending me those ordering, scary looks telling me to move my but. Haven't got any choice but to obey, so see you later. Hope everything is fine with all of us, really wish this day will come. I kind of feeling it coming towards us...can see it from here..lol..wana sleep..bye

Pride and Prejudice (my fav. movie)

I liked the idea of Mori with "A walk to remember" ..so I came up with the idea of posting my favorite movie,especially after I found out that everyone around me is feeling bad and that things aren't going well almost everywhere. So maybe posting about something pleasant would do.
Actually it means alot to me. Whenever I'm feeling down or bored I watch it and kind of isolate myself from any surroundings and sorrows and keep just watching it with my mouth opened because I am simply impressed with what 's happening, though others may think it's a stupid story and all.
I tell them: I don't care. I just love the novel and the movie. You just didn't watch it the way I did!!

Mori wrote a poem about "A walk to remember". I did something similar when I first read the novel. I started sort of making an ad for the movie and the author, though Jane Austen died long ago I guess.
(Sounds lame, but I did it and it felt good doing so.)

Well, I will just paste it here and share it with you: (Actually wasn't sure I was going to show it to public, but it isn't a big deal y3ni..)

Pride and Prejudice
Too good to be true!!

What a story and what a movie? How can the combination of a proud male and a prejudiced female exist and join in such a wonderful, harmonic way? We all have to thank Jane Austen for blessing us with her extraordinary, simple, breathtaking master piece ‘Pride and Prejudice’.

She didn’t know this would happen to her one day. She didn’t dream that the man she scorned most, who considered her ‘a barely tolerable partner’, would propose to her to his fullest weakness and surrender to her ‘bewitchment’. Who could think that this proud, cold-appearing young man would fall in love in such an unexpected, agonized way? Who could think that beneath this bitterness of appearance, such an undeniable love would succeed to take place and gain full control of him? He, who was taught every good manner, but not how to show his affection for his beloved one? He, even if not showing it, lived under the delusion of waiting for her answer of his proposal. Whereas he was taught everything, he missed this one thing: He lacks ‘the talent of conversing with people he isn’t well acquainted of’. As he said, he knew everything about manners but nothing about affection and showing the burning struggle beyond his pride.

Even though all this was true, there was this connection which managed to join both characters, who at first seemed indifferent, but eventually proved to be so similar. They didn’t change as much as they took off their bordering masks of impression. Because it wasn’t him she thought of when judging the “so rich” Mr Darcy, she only talked about the man who ‘wounded her vanity’. And as she mentioned: ‘I can always forgive his vanity, has he not wounded mine’.

And here it did happen: the graceful, long-awaited combination between the indifferent, similar poles and provided us this magical, true love. This love, symbolic for hope and faith that the world is still full of admirable miracles, which strikes the first-impression habit and proves it wrong.

With this film, Jane Austen wanted to lighten us with hope in love and forces us to live to the fullest extent, as the time of miracles hasn’t yet extinct. Having any doubts? Go and watch the film!

Fighting for survival

No, I won't keep crying, regretting and fade away out of despair. Why don't I try to survive what I think is unfair and can't be dealt with ? At the end it's the only happy solution I got. I guess I'm one of those persons who goes to everything and every feeling to its extremes, and therefore I have to pay for not staying in a mid line.
Why don't I look at what bothers me from another point of view?! Let us pretend I'm another person, say ME. Me is telling me about a problem she has and I have to help her get through it and get out of her bad mood. (By the way, I don't mind you calling me mad or schizophrenic, I would rather agree with you. But, excuse me and my insanity, it just happens to be my only way of survival. I've already failed in proving I'm right, so being insane won't really make a big difference.) Let 'me' listen to this sick, stupid Me while she's annoying me with her problems:
First of all, (people at my school would get what I say) I would look like a stupid student and all, but I'm having a problem at school, which can be summed up in the following: We (my class) has a stupid teacher. I wouldn't mind his stupidity as long as he wouldn't have harmed me with it. But, unfortunately he did cause me much pain with his overwhelming stupidity. By the by, it's not only me saying he's stupid, I've shown my exam to an experienced one out of school who told me I deserve a better grade. Then I started to ask who's responsible for students suffering from their teacher's stupidity. I found out the following: There is no exact person responsible for such a WEIRD problem. And if this person exists then he will either say I don't deserve more in order to avoid any crashes with my stupid teacher or he will say I'm right, but he hasn't got the authority to talk to him or disagree with him officially. I know this can happen every now and then at school, but I can't believe that this is how my last school year is going to look like. I wonder why each time I try to remember the good old days they pour such bad things on my face, so that I won't be able to do nothing but hate this place forever. But, you know what? They won't really achieve destroying my last school year, because I DID spend nice times at this place and I will always cherish these memories with such precious mates and friends. It just makes me upset to feel that my future can depend on some stupid creatures and that I am not able to revolt, because it will turn against me after all. And sometimes you just can't stop this revolution inside you, so you fall in deep crying. I am not saying I am a genius and I am the best person on earth, I just want to be treated properly and here's the tricky part: logically and fairly.
Here's my suggestion: Proceed, no matter what happens. (But this isn't enough at some moments, I have nothing else to say about it though.) What have I got to do else than fall and rise and keep rising and falling till this year ends. And then the suffering won't end after this year will end, because I will be missing all this days with all the suffering and most of all the laughing and the fun we're 'managing' to have. Yes, I know, friends will stay friends forever and stuff, and I am hoping me and my friends will stick together after all. But it won't be at the same place, we will have to leave this place and miss it (paradoxically enough in comparison to my complaints.) But I guess that's life and though it seems hard and even impossible to consider everyday life a memory, one will be able to deal with it, forget about the pain and most important take out some nice things with him on the way to the future: memories and friends.

This is one of those days when I don't feel 'I'm alive'.I happen to view things from a 'spectator's point of view', which includes judging everything (almost) through a critical eye. I admit this is an exaggeration and that I shouldn't be so critical and isolating myself, but I guess a stop from time to time wouldn't be that bad, especially when this stop will help you clear your mind or at least let go of some things bothering you.
First, I happen to realize after serious watching and analyzing that there are some hypocrites around me. My problem is not how they allow themselves to do so or how they lack such basic morals and all. It is rather the people who believe them and also believe in them that bothers me. I mean I know these really nice people who appear to be friends with others. And these others believe they like them and consider them friends. I just feel sorry for these others, especially since one of them (the deceived 'friend') happens to be one of my friends. I can't help the feeling that I have to tell this person, but -of course- it would be a very bad thing to do. I guess I just have to step aside and if something will get to be known then it doesn't have to be me to do so, because I hate it when people interfere in my own stuff, so I shouldn't do it to other people.
Second delusion: Why do I get the feeling of endless disappointment and that I don't have the power to give any effort in life in general. No motivation leads to constant despair and I guess this is such a hopeless case. Because if you got used to this feeling it develops to a habit, which I am afraid is what I am suffering from at the moment. It's just drives me crazy because I was never such a passive person, so I kind of feel sorry for myself and for what I can offer in my life. It is also therefore an annoying thing to go through because it -most paradoxic- feels good to be passive. It's like drugs: You know you're about to lead yourself to your own end, nevertheless you won't (can't !!) stop it, because it just feels comfortable and is much easier. But I think I still can do something to this problem, as it's never too late to improve yourself. (Even though circumstances don't help that much.)
Will continue later, because -of course- these ^ aren't the only illusions in one's life. I am just too exhausted to even share.

Inhuman and disgraceful
If you expect me to be one of those persons so sensitive and interested all the time in general matters and the lives of innocent people and all, then you're viewing the wrong blog. To make clear my point: I feel sorry for people leading a 'bad' life and all, but I don't think of them as often as other people do. But a few days ago, I got to know about some incident taking place in down town (here in Cairo) and it didn't only make me feel upset and insecure in my own country, it provoked me so much.
Well, I don't want to talk about it in detail, as I don't want to remember it or reveal it to the ones who know nothing about it, because it will worsen the image of the place I belong to.
It's just about a few boys (cowards actually), who got (I don't know what to call it) like turned on by some kind of belly dancer (,who was advertising for her stupid, new movie near down town or something like that). So they went to the streets, saw a couple of girls with scarfs (Kopftuch in German) and decided (most irrationally) to cut their clothes and sort of abuse them this way or the other. As far as I know, the abuse didn't really extend to sexual abuse, one can just call it sexual harassment: Thank God, the girls weren't harmed by this attack more than getting their clothes cut, which is humiliating enough. But I mean they weren't raped or something like that.
Well, there's nothing to say about this other than it being inhuman and brutal. I mean where are we supposed to be living? And where were the people at the time of the accident?Or they preferred to watch and not to defend the poor girls, which by the way were having a head scarf on, so doesn't it ring any bell whatsoever, though in civilized regions you don't need a scarf to show that you're religious or to protect yourself from sexual harassment.
Apart from that I personally can't get that these cowards were completely out of their senses, that they were 'turned on' by some dancer and therefore wanted to satisfy their sexual needs and practise it on some girls they found walking harmlessly in the streets.
I know these things can happen and are happening every now and then, but only in dark regions or in places where there is war or where there's some lack of supervision. But here in our country, though we have plenty of things missing and all, there is still no war and I assumed (apparently wrong was my assumption) one was supposed to get some help when being attacked, in the middle of every disturbance in our country's system.
No!I was simply wrong. What was done was that some newspapers kept twisting this accident and changing it that it would fit in the perfect image of our country.
I wonder why they prefer to twist facts in other people's minds as well as in their own? Why don't they try to face facts in bright light and punish the guilty ones, instead of imagining false images?? We all know or can expect the answer.
I am just glad I don't belong to any of the irrational groups I'm surrounded by. I am glad I'm unique enough to use reason (which by the way differs us human beings from fellow creatures). I am glad I am still able to 'keep' my humanity and I am not like those cowards, who lack the ability to control oneself and prefer to be lead and forced by our animatic instincts.
There is this voice telling me that there's still hope in this life and that our group will somehow succeed in delivering a human message.

Wondering..
Yesterday I was sort of viewing life in general and wondering about it. I kept asking myself whether there is a phase in human life where we all live happily and satisfied, like childhood for example or maybe teen age. Of course it differs from one person to the other and it's an awkward question to ask, but I felt I was forced to answer it and take it into consideration.
If someone asked me which phase of my life I prefer or like most I would say my childhood, on which many people would agree with me I guess. I mean it's the only phase when you knew nothing, almost nothing, about real life with its disadvantages and memories. You had the chance to view life and 'imagine' it as much as you can. For you it was like a dream of your own, you have the chance to adjust it as you want. You didn't really pay attention to the future as you hardly made any mistakes, or if you made some, you were forgiven. Or let's say the future was full of optimism and sweet dreams. You 'managed' to expect and speculate about the fact that things can go wrong from time to time, but this dream of yours about your future shall not be influenced by such 'bad' incidents. That's why I think the most enjoyable time in our current lives as adults or grown-ups in general would be when getting the chance to reveal memories from our childhood and to act as normal as we did when we were young.
I also guess that when we were children we were mainly controlled by our vanity. And afterwards, whenever we feel the effect of our vanity rising, then it's because we're refreshing this old feeling from the past.
So why don't we take childhood memories as a special chance to refresh our vanity and imagine (though our imagination may sometimes deceive us) life from a brighter point of view.
That's why I believe in a quote I've extracted from Pride and Prejudice and made some changes in it :
Though it's very often nothing but our own vanity which deceives us, we have to hold on to it!!
Long lives our vanity!!


P.S.: Will make a separate blog about the topic vanity, because of course I don't approve of extensions of this 'privilege'.

Just glad
Today was one of the best days I've ever had. I'm glad I've 'managed' to do all I wanted. Actually when I tell what I did, you would be surprised because there's nothing extraordinary in what I've done. Maybe it's just the way I feel which makes me so happy and satisfied, no matter whether what I did was that extraordinary or not at all.I guess having a good day turned out to be something abnormal these days.(jst kddn)
Well, the 'event' which made me glad and satisfied was meeting an old guy from my class this morning. I always pass by him on my way to school and I'm either busy and want to go to school early or I am not so sure what to tell him and how he'll react on it. In fact, there is no specific reason for my wanting to talk to him, he's just an old mate and I wanted to check on him and tell him how much he's missing in my new class (He was such a funny guy, who turned every boring lesson into a funny one) :).So I did it and went to talk to him and it was so good to recall the old days with such precious mates.I was so happy after what I did. I felt I was social and nice. (not being arrogant, but this was how I really felt.)
And then the day passed as simple as any other day. Had a nice talk with one of my best friends. But at last we finished our lessons and had the chance to watch a football game between the boys of our school and the ones of Athens and cheer them. It was entertaining and they played very well, so it was a bit easy for them to win. After that we watched them receive their rewards and all and I was somehow proud of all of them.
I kept congratulating the ones I know of them. I even talked to the German guy in my class, with whom we don't talk that much. Unluckily,I can't remember whether I told him "Herzlich Willkommen" (welcome) or "Herzlichen Glueckwunsch" (congratulations). Maybe I chose the unfitting option, because I didn't pay much attention, I just wanted to tell him he did a good job in the game. Hope he didn't really listen to what I've said. When I realized it I kept laughing for a loong time, because if he heard exactly then it would be so embarrassing, or maybe just a little. Apart from that I don't care that much, I just had fun and that's enough.
Isn't it strange how our feelings differ from day to day or even in less than an hour for example?! It's also remarkable how such small events happen to have a big effect on us and on how we view life.

Strange incidents..that's life
Life journey..people come, people pass by you, people leave u, people stay with u.
People who leave some stain in this heart of yours that u can't easily forget about them.
Not necessarily friends, maybe people who weren't that close to you, but you felt their existence and got used to seeing them from time to time.U never wonder who they are or why you don't know them that well.
Is it the lack of communication between human beings who are not well acquainted with each other? Is it that people stopped believing in the power and joy of getting to know other ones? Is it that human beings are done with conversing and their prejudice is enough to them?Are we preferring to view the false image of people, which we have drawn by ourselves, or are we still able to give ourselves the chance to listen to other voices than ourselves?
I don't know.Maybe I'm just exaggerating.But don't you think that we as human beings are getting far and away from each other?I wish I am wrong.

Weird thing
Well, I wanted to write or let's say wonder about some weird, though interesting topic which came into my mind lately. I decided to talk about when you are friends with two people and these two people are in fact not friends or even can't stand each other. I know quite a few people who have experience in such friendships. Half of them have problems with it and the other half claims to have none.
I was just wondering:Are there supposed to be some sort of rules for each side respecting the fact that you can't express your disapproval of the other one because this other one happens to be the friend of your friend? And this friend 'combining' both, he will probably love someone more than the other or what? And if so, will the one he loves less be able to feel it, deal with it and even live with it?
Can this person in the middle manage to give both sides equal rights to avoid misunderstandings or unsatisfactory? Or is all this unobtainable?
As I was never the person in the middle, or it was only for a short period of time, I can't really give an exact opinion on the matter.But I dare say such friendships can exist, if the person in the middle managed to control each side and convince them that they both mean something to him/her.If not,then it's really done with one of the friendships. I would say this managing and controling has to do with tolerance and respect, which is automatically included in a true friendship. If I have a friend, that means I like him/her,I respect his identity as well as his choices, including his friends. So,if two friends are already freinds in the right sense of the word, so there has to be no doubt about this third one,who is hated or disliked by one of them.
I really respect the people I know who manage to keep such friendships 'alive', because that means they're nothing but a true friend to both sides. I furthemore consider it a test to prove whether the friendship is strong enough to overcome obstacles or not.

Just sharing
Well, I just came home and I am too tired and lazy to do anything else than sit here and reveal the events of this day or my thoughts in general. By the way, I feel I have fever, apart from the fact that I caught a cold and hope all this being-ill will disappear as soon as possible.
Actually today was a very good day, I was wearing a T-shirt with the color I like (an 'amalgam' of blue and green..but I prefer to call it turquiose, though I'm not sure if it's the right name for the color.), I met my friends at school, the teachers,by coincidence (but Thank God of course), prevented provoking us with their comments and I had so much fun all in all.
But the day won't pass that easy, simply because I have this presentation in religion for tomorrow and I can't revise or even take a look at it anymore. You know what? Though I maybe wrong in this assumption,because I hardly know more than five or six 'religions', but I guess that all religions - apart from some details of course- don't differ that much in their basics, as they're all based on common sense and logic most probably. That's why I don't really think we have to discuss details of other people's religions or beliefs. We all (almost all of us) agree on specific basics and it's not really that important to be convinced of the details of other people's religious belongings. As I said before, it's only an assumption, not based on statistics or facts as much as on my humble experience or knowlege. I just hate it when people are so narrow-minded that they can think of nothing to discuss but the details. I mean why do you leave all the other basic points and stick to some details. Honestly I -as a Musilm- won't drink alcohol because I'm not allowed to by my religion. But (though who am I to decide anyway) I think God won't take it as the only reason to punish a Christian who was faithful to God and all, and whose only 'guilt' was his drinking alcohol.
I am willing to discuss this anyway, maybe someone will persuade me otherwise.
The last few days I got to know about old celebrities getting depressed and dying as a result of this depression. I don't know why, but I'm caught in these 'events'. I am so keen on knowing what they've been through, because they were really full of live and active before this phase of depression. I think it's a shame that the ones who got in touch with them and knew about their suffering didn't help them or didn't help them to their fullest extent. Or is depression something you can't escape,even if being providied help by their surrounding?Or is it a result of their age; that they find their beauty, strength and fame fade away and can't do anything to avoid it or stop it? Right now I can't think of a certain answer to these questions as I don't have the time for such deep thoughts who require much time. Nevertheless I promise to think everything over when I am free and will update you in another post if I came up with some kind of a conclusion.

I can't believe um doing this right now, since I've been against this idea of blogging in the first place. But the last few days I've been watching ppl I know do it and interact easily with others they don't even know. So I thought giving it a try.I am excited to experience how it will look like..
I have to go now..C u in the next post.

hey there,
I don't know who i am talking to right now,but i jst happen to like or rather love sitting here and watch myself exchange my thoughts with i-dono-who. just opened the door to the security guy. I wonder why he applied for this job when he fears little Bingo (my brother's dog). I know he might be poor and didn't have another job, but it kind of is dangerous to us inside the building. Or am I exaggerating?Maybe.
I know I am supposed to be sitting somewhere else, working for school and stuff like that, but it seems like today I'm not really in the mood. Besides I've been working, too, today. Not all the time, didn't do my best, but i did something at least. I hope I won't regret having too many breaks. I don't know,since i've been an abiturientin I have this inner voice telling me or let's say threatening me I am lazy, not giving much effort as expected from me and that the day will come when I will pay for my wasting time in anything else than studying and preparing for my unknown future. I hope these fears won't come true.I hope that maybe I am doing well and am not as much not paying attention to myself as my parents always tell me.
I watched 'The Young and the restless" today.I can't watch it frequently nowadays because of school, but normally (during the holidays) I watch it on a frequent basis,so whoever of u knows it or knows how it will end, you're more than welcome to honor me with infos :).
You know what freaked me out since being a child? I always hated watching myself, pics aren't that a big deal, but it's a bit awkward to watch myself on videos. I give so much effort to appear otherwise, but it seems I can't help looking soo little. (For ur information: I am a little bit slim and little and this is not a good feeling, not at all when ppl notice it and remark on it). But let's look on the bright side: This is a 'privelege' not every1 enjoys, it makes me realize how tiny and cute I am..hehe.
The last few days (maybe weeks) I've been going through some sort of a depression, or let's call it a being-upset-and-unsatisfied phase. I think this is a result of being overwhelmed with duties, worries and pressure. I hope I can take advantage of this phase or at least come out of it as soon as possible, because, believe me, it's no pleasant thing at all. I don't know, but (as I was talking to one of my schoolmates 2day) I can't help blaming it on the Abi (high school and exams). When I think about it I can't help but recognize how unfair it is. (Maybe I will write all the details about the unfairness I am noticing at the moment on a new blog.) It is demotivating, as Nadia mentioned before, to watch how other people give effort and get rewarded and you (accompanied by your classmates) suffer from the unfairness around you. This declines to the fact that I am unable to give more effort, as my effort doesn't get any reward or recognition in the first place. So why should I proceed?! But then it's my future and my life. I don't have to screw it up and just blame it on some folks who I don't seem to matter with them. For now this will be my encouragement and I hope it won't fade away in despair once again.
I guess that's it for now..I will try to think of any other pleasant things, because there actually are other pleasant things in life. You just have to notice their existence.;)