This is one of those days when I don't feel 'I'm alive'.I happen to view things from a 'spectator's point of view', which includes judging everything (almost) through a critical eye. I admit this is an exaggeration and that I shouldn't be so critical and isolating myself, but I guess a stop from time to time wouldn't be that bad, especially when this stop will help you clear your mind or at least let go of some things bothering you.
First, I happen to realize after serious watching and analyzing that there are some hypocrites around me. My problem is not how they allow themselves to do so or how they lack such basic morals and all. It is rather the people who believe them and also believe in them that bothers me. I mean I know these really nice people who appear to be friends with others. And these others believe they like them and consider them friends. I just feel sorry for these others, especially since one of them (the deceived 'friend') happens to be one of my friends. I can't help the feeling that I have to tell this person, but -of course- it would be a very bad thing to do. I guess I just have to step aside and if something will get to be known then it doesn't have to be me to do so, because I hate it when people interfere in my own stuff, so I shouldn't do it to other people.
Second delusion: Why do I get the feeling of endless disappointment and that I don't have the power to give any effort in life in general. No motivation leads to constant despair and I guess this is such a hopeless case. Because if you got used to this feeling it develops to a habit, which I am afraid is what I am suffering from at the moment. It's just drives me crazy because I was never such a passive person, so I kind of feel sorry for myself and for what I can offer in my life. It is also therefore an annoying thing to go through because it -most paradoxic- feels good to be passive. It's like drugs: You know you're about to lead yourself to your own end, nevertheless you won't (can't !!) stop it, because it just feels comfortable and is much easier. But I think I still can do something to this problem, as it's never too late to improve yourself. (Even though circumstances don't help that much.)
Will continue later, because -of course- these ^ aren't the only illusions in one's life. I am just too exhausted to even share.