Being a loser(What can I do??)
Ever felt you don't know who to listen to? People? Friends? Parents? Yourself?
What if you wanted to choose to listen to yourself and decided you're the right one? What if you were furthermore convinced of your opinion and perspective? What if you just can't go on with what you're convinced is right because it's just either not realistic anymore or not practical??What if you feel yourself falling in some delusion and not able to get out of it? What if this delusion is exactly the sort of distraction you wanted to prevent?
They say this stupid teenage phase is the part where you have to build up your personality, which influences your future life. What if you are too weak to do so? Are you lost then? What if you feel everyone around are knowing what they're doing and that they're on the right track, whereas you're left amongst all your questions? What if it is time out for you to change or help yourself, because you just can't or won't or whatever? What if at some point you just can't help falling apart because you never thought you'll be a loser one day? What if you want to change but haven't got what it takes or don't asln know what it takes??
What if deep inside you you know you're right, but that simply doesn't match with what's happening to you? What if people around you are either not getting what you say or blaming you for what you do??
What if all this happened? What are you supposed to react? Please don't tell me the usual stuff about having faith in yourself, because faith isn't always what you lack.
Sorry for being upset, but it's not my fault. Maybe it is. I just felt this way and wanted to share it.

Fighting for survival

No, I won't keep crying, regretting and fade away out of despair. Why don't I try to survive what I think is unfair and can't be dealt with ? At the end it's the only happy solution I got. I guess I'm one of those persons who goes to everything and every feeling to its extremes, and therefore I have to pay for not staying in a mid line.
Why don't I look at what bothers me from another point of view?! Let us pretend I'm another person, say ME. Me is telling me about a problem she has and I have to help her get through it and get out of her bad mood. (By the way, I don't mind you calling me mad or schizophrenic, I would rather agree with you. But, excuse me and my insanity, it just happens to be my only way of survival. I've already failed in proving I'm right, so being insane won't really make a big difference.) Let 'me' listen to this sick, stupid Me while she's annoying me with her problems:
First of all, (people at my school would get what I say) I would look like a stupid student and all, but I'm having a problem at school, which can be summed up in the following: We (my class) has a stupid teacher. I wouldn't mind his stupidity as long as he wouldn't have harmed me with it. But, unfortunately he did cause me much pain with his overwhelming stupidity. By the by, it's not only me saying he's stupid, I've shown my exam to an experienced one out of school who told me I deserve a better grade. Then I started to ask who's responsible for students suffering from their teacher's stupidity. I found out the following: There is no exact person responsible for such a WEIRD problem. And if this person exists then he will either say I don't deserve more in order to avoid any crashes with my stupid teacher or he will say I'm right, but he hasn't got the authority to talk to him or disagree with him officially. I know this can happen every now and then at school, but I can't believe that this is how my last school year is going to look like. I wonder why each time I try to remember the good old days they pour such bad things on my face, so that I won't be able to do nothing but hate this place forever. But, you know what? They won't really achieve destroying my last school year, because I DID spend nice times at this place and I will always cherish these memories with such precious mates and friends. It just makes me upset to feel that my future can depend on some stupid creatures and that I am not able to revolt, because it will turn against me after all. And sometimes you just can't stop this revolution inside you, so you fall in deep crying. I am not saying I am a genius and I am the best person on earth, I just want to be treated properly and here's the tricky part: logically and fairly.
Here's my suggestion: Proceed, no matter what happens. (But this isn't enough at some moments, I have nothing else to say about it though.) What have I got to do else than fall and rise and keep rising and falling till this year ends. And then the suffering won't end after this year will end, because I will be missing all this days with all the suffering and most of all the laughing and the fun we're 'managing' to have. Yes, I know, friends will stay friends forever and stuff, and I am hoping me and my friends will stick together after all. But it won't be at the same place, we will have to leave this place and miss it (paradoxically enough in comparison to my complaints.) But I guess that's life and though it seems hard and even impossible to consider everyday life a memory, one will be able to deal with it, forget about the pain and most important take out some nice things with him on the way to the future: memories and friends.

This is one of those days when I don't feel 'I'm alive'.I happen to view things from a 'spectator's point of view', which includes judging everything (almost) through a critical eye. I admit this is an exaggeration and that I shouldn't be so critical and isolating myself, but I guess a stop from time to time wouldn't be that bad, especially when this stop will help you clear your mind or at least let go of some things bothering you.
First, I happen to realize after serious watching and analyzing that there are some hypocrites around me. My problem is not how they allow themselves to do so or how they lack such basic morals and all. It is rather the people who believe them and also believe in them that bothers me. I mean I know these really nice people who appear to be friends with others. And these others believe they like them and consider them friends. I just feel sorry for these others, especially since one of them (the deceived 'friend') happens to be one of my friends. I can't help the feeling that I have to tell this person, but -of course- it would be a very bad thing to do. I guess I just have to step aside and if something will get to be known then it doesn't have to be me to do so, because I hate it when people interfere in my own stuff, so I shouldn't do it to other people.
Second delusion: Why do I get the feeling of endless disappointment and that I don't have the power to give any effort in life in general. No motivation leads to constant despair and I guess this is such a hopeless case. Because if you got used to this feeling it develops to a habit, which I am afraid is what I am suffering from at the moment. It's just drives me crazy because I was never such a passive person, so I kind of feel sorry for myself and for what I can offer in my life. It is also therefore an annoying thing to go through because it -most paradoxic- feels good to be passive. It's like drugs: You know you're about to lead yourself to your own end, nevertheless you won't (can't !!) stop it, because it just feels comfortable and is much easier. But I think I still can do something to this problem, as it's never too late to improve yourself. (Even though circumstances don't help that much.)
Will continue later, because -of course- these ^ aren't the only illusions in one's life. I am just too exhausted to even share.

Strange incidents..that's life
Life journey..people come, people pass by you, people leave u, people stay with u.
People who leave some stain in this heart of yours that u can't easily forget about them.
Not necessarily friends, maybe people who weren't that close to you, but you felt their existence and got used to seeing them from time to time.U never wonder who they are or why you don't know them that well.
Is it the lack of communication between human beings who are not well acquainted with each other? Is it that people stopped believing in the power and joy of getting to know other ones? Is it that human beings are done with conversing and their prejudice is enough to them?Are we preferring to view the false image of people, which we have drawn by ourselves, or are we still able to give ourselves the chance to listen to other voices than ourselves?
I don't know.Maybe I'm just exaggerating.But don't you think that we as human beings are getting far and away from each other?I wish I am wrong.

Weird thing
Well, I wanted to write or let's say wonder about some weird, though interesting topic which came into my mind lately. I decided to talk about when you are friends with two people and these two people are in fact not friends or even can't stand each other. I know quite a few people who have experience in such friendships. Half of them have problems with it and the other half claims to have none.
I was just wondering:Are there supposed to be some sort of rules for each side respecting the fact that you can't express your disapproval of the other one because this other one happens to be the friend of your friend? And this friend 'combining' both, he will probably love someone more than the other or what? And if so, will the one he loves less be able to feel it, deal with it and even live with it?
Can this person in the middle manage to give both sides equal rights to avoid misunderstandings or unsatisfactory? Or is all this unobtainable?
As I was never the person in the middle, or it was only for a short period of time, I can't really give an exact opinion on the matter.But I dare say such friendships can exist, if the person in the middle managed to control each side and convince them that they both mean something to him/her.If not,then it's really done with one of the friendships. I would say this managing and controling has to do with tolerance and respect, which is automatically included in a true friendship. If I have a friend, that means I like him/her,I respect his identity as well as his choices, including his friends. So,if two friends are already freinds in the right sense of the word, so there has to be no doubt about this third one,who is hated or disliked by one of them.
I really respect the people I know who manage to keep such friendships 'alive', because that means they're nothing but a true friend to both sides. I furthemore consider it a test to prove whether the friendship is strong enough to overcome obstacles or not.