hey there,
I don't know who i am talking to right now,but i jst happen to like or rather love sitting here and watch myself exchange my thoughts with i-dono-who. just opened the door to the security guy. I wonder why he applied for this job when he fears little Bingo (my brother's dog). I know he might be poor and didn't have another job, but it kind of is dangerous to us inside the building. Or am I exaggerating?Maybe.
I know I am supposed to be sitting somewhere else, working for school and stuff like that, but it seems like today I'm not really in the mood. Besides I've been working, too, today. Not all the time, didn't do my best, but i did something at least. I hope I won't regret having too many breaks. I don't know,since i've been an abiturientin I have this inner voice telling me or let's say threatening me I am lazy, not giving much effort as expected from me and that the day will come when I will pay for my wasting time in anything else than studying and preparing for my unknown future. I hope these fears won't come true.I hope that maybe I am doing well and am not as much not paying attention to myself as my parents always tell me.
I watched 'The Young and the restless" today.I can't watch it frequently nowadays because of school, but normally (during the holidays) I watch it on a frequent basis,so whoever of u knows it or knows how it will end, you're more than welcome to honor me with infos :).
You know what freaked me out since being a child? I always hated watching myself, pics aren't that a big deal, but it's a bit awkward to watch myself on videos. I give so much effort to appear otherwise, but it seems I can't help looking soo little. (For ur information: I am a little bit slim and little and this is not a good feeling, not at all when ppl notice it and remark on it). But let's look on the bright side: This is a 'privelege' not every1 enjoys, it makes me realize how tiny and cute I am..hehe.
The last few days (maybe weeks) I've been going through some sort of a depression, or let's call it a being-upset-and-unsatisfied phase. I think this is a result of being overwhelmed with duties, worries and pressure. I hope I can take advantage of this phase or at least come out of it as soon as possible, because, believe me, it's no pleasant thing at all. I don't know, but (as I was talking to one of my schoolmates 2day) I can't help blaming it on the Abi (high school and exams). When I think about it I can't help but recognize how unfair it is. (Maybe I will write all the details about the unfairness I am noticing at the moment on a new blog.) It is demotivating, as Nadia mentioned before, to watch how other people give effort and get rewarded and you (accompanied by your classmates) suffer from the unfairness around you. This declines to the fact that I am unable to give more effort, as my effort doesn't get any reward or recognition in the first place. So why should I proceed?! But then it's my future and my life. I don't have to screw it up and just blame it on some folks who I don't seem to matter with them. For now this will be my encouragement and I hope it won't fade away in despair once again.
I guess that's it for now..I will try to think of any other pleasant things, because there actually are other pleasant things in life. You just have to notice their existence.;)