Whatever it takes..

I have a feeling that I want to contribute, contribute in this mess going all around me, maybe I'll manage to change some prejudiced ideas and build bridges to a more common ground. I just don't know where to start. But I think I have a potential that can be directed somehow in a useful area. I just feel I'm being rejected, by myself and by some threats. Isn't it time for me to absolutely give up being claustrophobic about my life and not abiding by the society's rules about everything; looks, behaviors, status and being loved. I mean it's more practical and dignified to satisfy myself when I know I am right and that people who misunderstand me just need their time to get my behaviors.

Does it take so much time and effort for us to accept each other the way we are and decide to move on once and for all? Is it that hard to give the needed effort just to lead a peaceful, less stressful life?

A few days ago, I saw the autobiography of Earnest Hemingway. I was really provoked to know that the woman he loved preferred to travel and work rather than to meet him and spend the rest of their lives together. And she only came when it was too late, when he (another provoking thing) preferred his dignity to actually forgiving her and giving himself and her what they've been missing for a long time. Dignity or love weren't really the most provoking themes to me; I kept wondering how at times it seems easy for us to stay still and keep our thoughts hidden inside our own paradigms rather than letting people know how we feel for them and what they mean to us. I couldn't find a way to understand how someone would leave his or her love behind because of age difference, time or even dignity. Not only love but how could I resist the urge to say my opinion of someone or let him know something before it's too late.

Lately, I found out myself contradict my own beliefs that one has to speak out their minds whenever possible, that it's the easiest way out to be honest and that honesty and spontaneousness will work things out. But not everything is as plain and simple as it seems. I realized I can't be honest all the time; out of fright, laziness or loss of anxiety to make things right but also because of fear of embarrassment. It seems to me that I'm not yet ready to cross my imaginary red lines and speak about my taboos. To you, they might not be taboos, but they are to me, because we're not all accustomed to the same talent to share everything with everyone. It's just that things seem hard when you're not supported by the ones you're missing. Certain spaces have to be filled and, no matter how much support you might get, if it's not from the needed person, then it won't erase the gap you're suffering from.

Everyone of us has his or her flaws and fears; his unfilled spaces and his not-yet-crossed lines. But it's only those who fight their fears and accept their reality who will find love and satisfaction. I know it's never easy to change and that change doesn't happen one at a time, but it's worth trying I guess.